In Feb 2004, I sent an email to family and friends that I had decided to end my life but wanted to say goodbye to everyone first and .. well you can read the email here and see what's it's like to be me. I'm 44, I've been clean and sober for nine years, I have net worth of 2 million dollars and I'm in a masters program at Stanford. But most of the time I wish I was dead.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
"I think that was the best sex of my life.". Coming from Jane that was something.
We had this emotional and physical connection that was unreal. I had known her
for 8 years at that point. My lust for her had never dwindled. She was very
intelligent (she's a Physician's Assitant at Stanford Hospital), a great sense of
humor, a wonderful disposition and body to die for. I also loved her. She meant
everything to me. I guess she meant too much to me.
We had this emotional and physical connection that was unreal. I had known her
for 8 years at that point. My lust for her had never dwindled. She was very
intelligent (she's a Physician's Assitant at Stanford Hospital), a great sense of
humor, a wonderful disposition and body to die for. I also loved her. She meant
everything to me. I guess she meant too much to me.
The morning before the phone conversation Jane said she couldn't
see me today. I just thought she was busy, but I guess I must have
thought something was wrong too because that afternoon I left
a note under her pillow that said, "I have always loved you, I will
always love you". That night when we were talking on the phone
I asked her where she was. She said she was sitting on her bed.
I told her to look under her pillow. That's when told me she couldn't
see me anymore. I couldn't even believe what I was hearing. It was
so out of the blue.
I know now that there was another man. Steve. I didn't find this
out until about 2 weeks later.
see me today. I just thought she was busy, but I guess I must have
thought something was wrong too because that afternoon I left
a note under her pillow that said, "I have always loved you, I will
always love you". That night when we were talking on the phone
I asked her where she was. She said she was sitting on her bed.
I told her to look under her pillow. That's when told me she couldn't
see me anymore. I couldn't even believe what I was hearing. It was
so out of the blue.
I know now that there was another man. Steve. I didn't find this
out until about 2 weeks later.
It's such a long story. Jane never told me she was unhappy. I had no clue.
I thought things were going well. We had dinner at my parents and she
was touching my foot under the table and hugging me and two days later
she tells me on the phone she can't see me anymore. I haven't seen her
since except for one time I went by her work to plead with her not to do
this. That was five months ago.
I thought things were going well. We had dinner at my parents and she
was touching my foot under the table and hugging me and two days later
she tells me on the phone she can't see me anymore. I haven't seen her
since except for one time I went by her work to plead with her not to do
this. That was five months ago.
No, I don't want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I have these cyclic
patterns in my brain and I can't stop thinking about these things that
I can't make any sense of and I try try try to understand but I just can't.
Things like Jane my former lover and friend who won't even see me
at all. My therapist Pamela sez I will never been able to make sense
of Jane. That I will never be able to understand it. At least I think
that is what she sez. I plead with Jane to sit down with me and a
counsulor or therapist or friend and talk with me and help me understand
why it it the way that it is. She refuses. "It just wasn't right" and
"I wasn't happy" she sez.
patterns in my brain and I can't stop thinking about these things that
I can't make any sense of and I try try try to understand but I just can't.
Things like Jane my former lover and friend who won't even see me
at all. My therapist Pamela sez I will never been able to make sense
of Jane. That I will never be able to understand it. At least I think
that is what she sez. I plead with Jane to sit down with me and a
counsulor or therapist or friend and talk with me and help me understand
why it it the way that it is. She refuses. "It just wasn't right" and
"I wasn't happy" she sez.
Two obvious questions come to mind:
1. Am I full of shit and just want attention or do I really want to die?
2. How did I get to this point?
1. Am I full of shit and just want attention or do I really want to die?
2. How did I get to this point?
I sent this email to my friends and family seeking acceptance of my decision to kill myself:
From: Charlie
Date: Thu Feb 12, 2004 11:11:37 PM US/Pacific
To: scott, kristine , Jessica, Jane, Janifer, Hobert, Pamela, Chera, Bruce, Bharat, George, Joe, Michael, Sheila, Carol , Annie
Subject: me
I need to tell you all something. Recently more and more I
see ending my life as the right thing to do. It's not
in an implusive painful type of way but in a more
controlled correct thing to do. And I have been starting
to make some plans for things I need to do before hand
like get my dog taken care of mostly and thinking of
things I may want to do before this happens. I want to
stress that this is not going to happen today, tomorrow,
or next week but probably in a month or so. It just really
seems like the right thing for me to finally stop living
in the pain I have been for so long and to finally be
at rest and done with it. I would like to find acceptance
and support for this. Really. That's what I need from the
people around me to understand how it has been and to
understand that this is the right for me. Sure, it's a little
scary but I honestly believe it's the right thing for me
to do. This just isn't the place for me. I want a simple
clean painless exit. I don't want hospitals or ambulances
or to hurt anyone. I just want my own pain to end to be
at peace with myself. So what I want from you is support
in this. And support love and understanding from my friends
and family. It's just been too hard and too painful for me
to go through any more. I'm open to questions and dialoguge
but everyone needs to understand that different things are
right for different people and this is the right thing for
me.
So I assuming Scott and Kristine will take Wilbur, I know
that's a lot of dogs but I can't think of any other place
for him. As for all the rest, I guess one of the things I
need to do is make a will and maybe talk to a lawyer. I have
a shitload of money that someone ought to be able to have
some fun with. God knows I was unable to.
Please don't try to "save" me or tell me that it is wrong.
No one but me knows what it is like inside my head and I know
now this is the right thing to do. We all will have plenty
of time to work things out and say goodbye and think about
things past. But the future is very limited now and I feel
very grateful for that.
Please don't be upset or rush around frantically. There is
no rush. There is ample time to say anything that needs to be
said. I will listen. But you must listen too. I know what feels
right. This feels very peaceful to me now, something I haven't
felt for sometime. I love you all very much; but obviously
it has been very difficult for me to live without much
suffering in this world. Please just think about this and
try to understand that it is the right thing as I have come
to understand it.
There have been some nice times and there has been a lot of pain.
The pain has far outweighed the good. I will make an effort to
see of all you in person. Right now just try to understand
that this is the right thing. I know you all care. But no one
can help or know what I feel inside.
Charlie
From: Charlie
Date: Thu Feb 12, 2004 11:11:37 PM US/Pacific
To: scott, kristine , Jessica, Jane, Janifer, Hobert, Pamela, Chera, Bruce, Bharat, George, Joe, Michael, Sheila, Carol , Annie
Subject: me
I need to tell you all something. Recently more and more I
see ending my life as the right thing to do. It's not
in an implusive painful type of way but in a more
controlled correct thing to do. And I have been starting
to make some plans for things I need to do before hand
like get my dog taken care of mostly and thinking of
things I may want to do before this happens. I want to
stress that this is not going to happen today, tomorrow,
or next week but probably in a month or so. It just really
seems like the right thing for me to finally stop living
in the pain I have been for so long and to finally be
at rest and done with it. I would like to find acceptance
and support for this. Really. That's what I need from the
people around me to understand how it has been and to
understand that this is the right for me. Sure, it's a little
scary but I honestly believe it's the right thing for me
to do. This just isn't the place for me. I want a simple
clean painless exit. I don't want hospitals or ambulances
or to hurt anyone. I just want my own pain to end to be
at peace with myself. So what I want from you is support
in this. And support love and understanding from my friends
and family. It's just been too hard and too painful for me
to go through any more. I'm open to questions and dialoguge
but everyone needs to understand that different things are
right for different people and this is the right thing for
me.
So I assuming Scott and Kristine will take Wilbur, I know
that's a lot of dogs but I can't think of any other place
for him. As for all the rest, I guess one of the things I
need to do is make a will and maybe talk to a lawyer. I have
a shitload of money that someone ought to be able to have
some fun with. God knows I was unable to.
Please don't try to "save" me or tell me that it is wrong.
No one but me knows what it is like inside my head and I know
now this is the right thing to do. We all will have plenty
of time to work things out and say goodbye and think about
things past. But the future is very limited now and I feel
very grateful for that.
Please don't be upset or rush around frantically. There is
no rush. There is ample time to say anything that needs to be
said. I will listen. But you must listen too. I know what feels
right. This feels very peaceful to me now, something I haven't
felt for sometime. I love you all very much; but obviously
it has been very difficult for me to live without much
suffering in this world. Please just think about this and
try to understand that it is the right thing as I have come
to understand it.
There have been some nice times and there has been a lot of pain.
The pain has far outweighed the good. I will make an effort to
see of all you in person. Right now just try to understand
that this is the right thing. I know you all care. But no one
can help or know what I feel inside.
Charlie
